Beautiful girls don't grow on trees. But if they did, the stunning Kitty Lea would have grown from a magnificent seed that had been delicately nurtured until its perfect fruits were plucked and entered into some form of fruit beauty competition, which she would have then won. Erm, what on earth are we talking about? Who knows. But surely it's not just us who starts gibbering like idiots when there's a girl as beautiful as Kitty around.

	I’m a pussycat in the bedroom, but I do like kinky stuff – like being handcuffed to the bed!

Hello, Kitty. What sort of kitty cat are you most like? All boyish and scruffy like a tomcat, Hello Kitty (that Japanese cat that girls like on their handbags) or a KitKat?

A tomcat, because I'm a bit of a boy and I'm not really bothered what I look like. I've never been a very girly girl. All my best friends used to be boys and we were always out building dens and playing army and football. No Barbie dolls for me!

In the bedroom, are you more of a tiger or a pussycat?

A pussycat! I'm not scary enough to be a tiger, but I'd like to be. I do enjoy kinky stuff - like being handcuffed to the bed!

Cripes! Incidentally - traditional four-fingered or Chunky KitKat?

Chunky KitKats. As soon as I open the packet I have to have them all. I live for chocolate fudge cake and I eat crap: chicken burgers, cakes, Boost bars...

Your MySpace page introduces you as 'the wonderful bogey eater'. Have you been eating your bogeys on the shoot today?

Yeah! Well, no. Ha ha! If I do pick my nose, it's away from everyone.

You also say on your MySpace page that you live in Badger City, and spend your time collecting leaves and taking your clothes off for the local farmers.

That was just some random, spur-of-the-moment crap that I decided to write. Sometimes I'll wake up and think, 'I'm in a weird mood,' so I'll dress up in a really tacky, crap outfit and go mental. I live in Lincolnshire, and there are quite a few badgers, foxes and deer around.

What bits of your body make you smile?

My sides, the bottom of my stomach, my feet and my thighs - but not my wrists. I don't know how people can have tattoos on their wrists. The thought of having needles and knives on my wrists makes me go funny.

Maxim is one of your MySpace friends. How come we didn't get an invite to your birthday party?

What birthday party? I don't really celebrate my birthday. This year, I can't even remember what I did. It was so crap, even though it was my 18th. I don't like being pressured into having a good time. It's the same with Christmas and New Year - I'd rather go out another night.

What's the naughtiest birthday present you've given somebody?

I got some funny condoms, that were really tiny, for one of my girlfriends. You couldn't even get one of them on your finger!

What point were you trying to make there? If it was 'size doesn't matter', then can we thank you for preaching the cause?

I just saw them in a shop and thought, 'I'll get those'. I wasn't making any real point, I'm afraid.

You have big boobs. When did you last rub them up against someone you fancied in a crowded lift?

In a lift? Never! I don't really go in lifts. And I wouldn't ever do that in a lift, anyway.

When's the last time you used your boobs to get free stuff?

Sometimes, when I've looked pretty, I've had free chips at KFC and quite a few free McFlurrys at McDonald's. The boys think that they're going to get lucky.

When's the last time you had a dream that your boobs were mountains and lots of ants were skiing down them on tiny ant skis?

Never! I do have a recurring dream about nearly dying in a tsunami. I always get to the top of a mountain or a building, but a lot of my friends and family die. I've no idea what it means, but I need to find out.

Are there any disadvantages to having big boobs? Is it uncomfortable lying on your front?

No, I like lying on my front. That's how I get to sleep at night.

Does having big boobs make it difficult buying bras?

Yes, very. People don't understand that girls can have small backs but big breasts. They think you're either fat with big boobs or you're skinny with small boobs. It winds me up!

Are you single, Kitty? What sort of men do you like?

I am single. I like individuals who aren't afraid to speak their mind - people who just want to have a laugh and have fun. Not footballer types. I like people who treat me with respect.

So what's the easiest way to your heart? Turn up at your door with a giant chocolate fudge cake?

That might work. But I want somebody who'll listen to me and engage me in conversation. I can tell straightaway if someone's not listening. You can see it in their eyes. It's nice if they mention something they've heard later on in the conversation. It makes me think, 'You were listening.'

If this interview were a first date, how are we doing? Are you happy chatting utter nonsense or do we have to 'get to know' each other?

I like talking nonsense and I like being asked silly questions. I like talking about rubbish, especially until the early hours of the morning. When you're getting to know somebody, it's nice if you get really drunk together and sit up all night talking random crap. I like that.

If you were stuck on a desert island full of girls, how long before you'd get it on?

Um, I wouldn't. I don't mind kissing girls, but just with friends when we're pissed and having a laugh and that. I don't have feelings for them. I need men for the passion - you can't get it with a girl. Well, I can't - I'm not a lesbian.

How would you describe yourself on a dating website?

Unpredictable. Weird. Outrageous. Sexy!

If you had X-ray vision, would you, like us , use it to see through girls' clothes?

Yeah! I like looking at girls' boobies. It's one of my new favourite hobbies. I like seeing what looks good, what girls are out there, what they've got to offer.

And finally, what did you have for breakfast?

A Kinder Bueno chocolate bar!