The opening line of your Wikipedia page describes you as, ‘A glamour model noted for her large, natural breasts…’ Would you like to add anything to that?

That’s spot on… but they haven’t mentioned my sparkling wit! I didn’t know that profile existed. I’ll have to check it out. It’s a little bit freaky isn’t it? People could go on and pretend to be me.

Has that happened before?

I had to make an official MySpace profile because there were loads of fake ones – and now there are apparently loads of fake Facebook ones. I’m not getting into Facebook, though. It’s fair enough if you’ve travelled and lost contact with people, but I think if you wanted to stay in contact, you would have. What happened to just being sociable?

The Wikipedia entry also says you hate clowns, wasps and racism. That means your idea of hell must be having wasps thrown at you by a racist clown…

That would be my nightmare! Actually I don’t hate wasps – as long as they don’t sting me or bother me then it’s all right. I’m just not a huge fan.

You’re known for your friendship with Michelle Marsh – is she a bad influence on you? Or is it the other way round?

She’s a bit more of a party girl than I am – but I reckon she’s calming down, bless her. I think we’re a good influence on each other. We looked after each other when we were both starting out in the glamour industry. Actually, we were lucky to have each other because a lot of girls go off the rails and act like idiots.

It must be lonely not having her around to double up as a bra?

Yeah, you get to miss the Marsh. It’s weird not having her to work with. I think me and Marsh started off the whole girl double-act thing, and it is quite nice to have someone else you know on the shoot. Our last ever shoot together was for Maxim [September 2007 issue] and that was months ago!

Michelle is off having a baby. Have you got any plans to follow her into the maternity ward?

Not for a good few years yet. Loads of my friends have had kids, and I thought ‘how sweet’. But when I actually see how much hard work is involved, I don’t think I’ll be doing that any time soon!

Have you thought about going on I’m A Celebrity… instead?

I didn’t go on the last series, which was a real shame because I’d have loved to do it, but they picked another big-busted girl over me. It was a bit of a disappointment as I was well up for all the snakes and creepy crawlies, but never mind. There’s always next time.

You’d happily fill your face with kangaroo testicles?

I’d have a go! You’ve gone all that way, so there’s no point moaning about it. Everyone’s seen the show before, so you might as well get stuck in.

Why do you think you models have a reputation for being thick?

True, modelling is a job where you don’t have to be a genius to do it. But with any stereotype there are exceptions to the rule, and I’m one of them. Or I’d like to think I am! I’m not just a dumb model, but if people said I was it wouldn’t rile me. My friends and family know I’m not thick as two short planks – I hope! And they’re the people who matter.

Kelly Brook used to do The Big Breakfast. Any plans to follow her into TV presenting?

Yeah, definitely! It’s fun doing something a bit different – I’d love to have a go at presenting or acting. I’m not saying I’d be great at it but I’d give it a go. I’m waiting to see what other opportunities I’m given and have a crack at them.

You’re already appeared on Bo’ Selecta!

Yeah I had to go in and see The Bear, which was hilarious. The point was that I’d had a one-night stand with The Bear and I was trying to creep out of the bedroom. I was saying I had to go and he was asking me to stay. And that went on and on for a while and then he just told me to fuck off.

He didn’t get aroused, then?

No. Do you know what? I don’t know if they’ve got different versions of The Bear, but the one they used that day had had the prosthetic penis removed. I was quite disappointed.

If you got offered your own chat show, would you take it?

Yeah, I’d definitely take it – who wouldn’t want there own chat show? I’d be no Parkinson, but then again, I’m not very keen on his interview technique. I’d love to have Jeremy Clarkson as a guest. He’s my secret crush. He creases me up.

You read bedtime stories for a satellite TV channel. If Maxim could read you a bedtime story, what would it be?

Cinderella – that’s a bit of a classic, isn’t it? It’s a really sweet one, which I like.

Do any fairytales still scare the life out of you?

No, because when I was a kid my nan would tape horror films and let us watch them and we used to love it! We used to watch vampire films at the age of about seven, so Disney films and fairytales I’m all right with.

Buying presents for your girlfriend is a bloke’s worst nightmare. Using your womanly expertise, tell us how to following would go down: a set of Russian dolls?

Hmm, maybe if it was a kinky set with girls in pretty underwear? That could go down well.

A Chuckle Brothers collectible sticker album?

Not good. I don’t know many girls who would want that. No offence to the Chuckle Brothers. I loved them as a kid, but I think most people grow out of them by about 10.

A life-size model of Cliff Richard made entirely from chocolate?

I’d have said horrendous until you mentioned it being made of chocolate. Having a life-size Cliff Richard in your house might be a bit scary no matter what it was made of. Maybe you could give her model of yourself instead?

A purse made from kangaroo scrotum?

That’s horrible. It’s cruel for the Kangaroo and would be quite upsetting for the girl.

An Arsenal season ticket?

Now that is a good present. I would love that present! Obviously, get a ticket for the team she supports, but I think Arsenal play the best football. Everyone except Chelsea, Man United and Tottenham fans like watching them play.

So what is the best gift for a girl?

I don’t think you can pinpoint any single thing. There are some things one girl would love, but another would recoil in horror at. It’s best to get something that your girlfriend is really into. The best present I was ever given was having two ocelots adopted for me at Marwell Zoo.

Don’t you have any vices?

It’s smoking. I know it’s horrible and I want to give it up, but at least I’m not some sort of alcoholic junkie. But, yep, I do need to give up the fags.

OK, here’s a question for you – should blokes carry a lighter, even if they don’t smoke, in case a girl asks them for a light?

I think that’s a bit weird. What if the girl then said, ‘Do you want a cigarette?’ and you said, ‘Sorry, I don’t smoke.’ They’d be like, ‘Why have you got a lighter?’ And actually, now that we have to smoke outside, why are they loitering outside with a lighter in their pocket? A man who did that would be worrying.

We’re having a fancy-dress party, but there’s one rule – your costume has to be made entirely out of fruit. What are you wearing?

Ooh, a pineapple hat and a coconut bra. Er, what pants can you make out of fruit? Maybe a banana skin skirt… and melon shoes. That would be hilarious!

We’d like to hire a dwarf to pose as a Smurf. Is that funny, or an exploitation of little people?

I think if they enjoy doing it then it’s fine, but I think it makes you look a little unstable if you actually want to hire a Smurf for the day. If you do – and as long as the dwarf was all right with it – then just treat them nicely.

Have you made any New Year’s resolutions?

I’m resolving to give up making resolutions every year because I never stick to them.

OK, in half an hour, Lucy Pinder will be…

Having a shower. I want to get all this paint off me from all the decorating I’ve been doing.

Next week, Lucy Pinder will be…

Working a lot. I’ll be in London a lot next week.

In 2045, Lucy Pinder will be…