Louise, you became Miss Maxim UK last year. Do you get recognised in the street now?
Yeah, people still come up to me and ask, ‘Are you Miss Maxim?’ 
The last thing a bloke in the street shouted was, 'Get your boobs out!' But they usually shout worse than that! 
And what about blokes shouting ‘Oi! Oi!’ at you in the street?
Yeah, I get that quite a bit. The last thing that got shouted at me was, ‘Get your boobs out!’ They usually shout worse than that – I’m not telling you what, though!
What type of bloke do you go for?
I like tall men with nice eyes who look mysterious. I like men who look a bit rough and ready too!
So are dwarves off limits?
Ha ha! I used to go out with a dwarf! Well, not really, but I did date a really short guy for a while. Hmm… would I go out with a dwarf? I suppose they’re good for some things, aren’t they?
Like playing Ewoks?
I think you know what I mean!
Not really. Generally, though, blokes must fall over themselves to buy you drinks…
No, because I’m an independent woman and I always buy my own drinks. Sleazy blokes can sod off!
So if you joined Maxim in our local, would you get a round in?
Yeah, I’d get the drinks in, no bother. I may even let you buy me one back!
Have you been spectacularly drunk recently?
I don’t drink that often, but I went to a friend’s house recently – we stayed in this cottage, got really drunk and all went rolling down a hill. We put our wellies on and threw ourselves downhill. I was caked in mud by the end – you couldn’t see my face. I had to have a very long shower to get it off.
Is that the last time you made a fool of yourself?
No, that was probably today when I was lying in that bloody milk on your shoot!
Ah, yes, sorry about that. OK, quick milk test: are you a skimmed or semi-skimmed girl?
Semi-skimmed – skimmed is minging!
Do you have any calcium deficiencies?
Er, not that I know of.
And have you ever used milk in
the bedroom?
No, but I did use chocolate cake once, which was good. I ended up eating it all, though.
Sounds messy. Have you got any other bedroom tips?
Don’t be selfish, give a girl what she wants and last a long time!
Are you the athletic type?
Yeah, I’m a really fast runner.I was Manchester hurdles champion three times! If I hadn’t become a model, I’d have been an athlete. I’m very athletic.
Weren’t your big boobs a nuisance doing hurdles?
No, because when I was 15 or 16 I didn’t have them. They just grew all of a sudden. I’m still very fast – I just have to put sports bras on. Three of them!
If you ever needed a boob body-double, who would you pick?
I was looking in Maxim the other day, and I thought Natasha Mealey’s were very similar to mine. Not too big, not too small.
What’s the best fancy-dress costume you’ve ever worn?
I did a shoot for that Beerfest film – we wore these German milkmaid outfits and had togo round all day serving these massive beers and sausages. It was dead funny.
What’s the last kinky outfit you bought?
I got a nice frilly underwear set for Christmas. It’s red – I think I look really sexy in red.
Have you got any piercings?
Just my ears. I used to have my eyebrow done but I took it out because it looked rank. I’d like to get one of my nipples pierced but it might ruin my modelling, so I don’t think I’ll bother.
If you could date any footballer, who would you pick?
I think it’d be David Beckham. I’m not into footballers – they don’t impress me much, and to tell you the truth if one of them walked past me in the street, I wouldn’t know who it was.
Who are your favourite celebrity Louises?
I like Louise Redknapp. She’s really pretty. Oh, and [model] Louise Glover is fabulous, too – her pictures are gorgeous.
What has been the happiest day of your life so far?
When I was told I’d won Miss Maxim UK, definitely. Getting the phonecall saying I’d won and I was going to the Caribbean was amazing. I’ve had loads of happy days. I’m a very happy person.
You’ve finally got a MySpace site. Do you enjoy being in touch with people on it?
Yeah, MySpace is really good for when you’re feeling down. You get all these nice comments – ‘You’ve got nice eyes!’ or ‘You’re really lovely!’ My fans always say such nice things.
Is there any part of your body you’d sell if you were offered £100,000?
My little toe. They’re not having anything else.
How much would we have to pay you to shave your head?
A million! It’d put me out of work, that. Actually, I’d do it for £100,000 – though I’d have to live in a cave until it grew back.
Your surname is Cliffe. Have you ever had a seagull sit on your head?
Ha! No, but I’ve had one poo on my head! That’s not nice at all.
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