Crumbs! It’s Lucy Pinder! To be more specific, it’s Lucy ‘Boy Is She Incredible Or What? If She Was My Girlfriend I’d Put Her In A Perspex Box And Watch Her All Day’ Pinder! She’s the nation’s favourite glamour model, and a bloody nice lass to boot. Prior to our shoot, she’d spent the last few weeks getting hot and sweaty in the Afghan desert entertaining our heroic troops, but she was in no rush to cool down. Good job! As soon as her plane landed we whisked her off to a sauna, and gave her a thorough debriefing. Lock and load, gentlemen…

Did you enjoy entertaining the troops in Afghanistan?

The week before we were going out there I was nervous, but it turned out to be a great experience. It was strange being in a war zone, but we were really well looked after by the Army and RAF guys. They made me and Michelle [Marsh] feel really safe, warning us about mortar attacks and stuff.

It must have been a long time since the troops have seen a real lady. Did they fight over you?

It was really hot out there, so me and Michelle just looked really sweaty! We saw a few thousand soldiers, but we only had one bottom-pinching incident each. They were all really sweet.

Do you like soldier types?

Yeah, we were both saying how sexy the uniform is. We tried to nick a couple but didn’t manage to, sadly. There’s something very sexy about a soldier.

Do you think your boobs could protect you from harm?

They’d come in handy. They’re not comfortable under body armour, though. We had to get some very large body armour to cover them!

Could they deflect a bullet?

I’d like to think so. They’d be super bosoms – super breasts!

Do you have to get your bras specially made?

No, but it’d be a good idea. I only just shoehorn myself into high-street ones! There aren’t enough sexy bras out there, so if I find one that fits, I buy five of them!

Approximately how much do your boobs weigh?

I’ve tried to weigh them before but it didn’t really work. They’ve got to be about a stone. That’s combined. Not each!

Have they ever injured anyone?

They haven’t yet but there’s a real danger of suffocation.

Michelle Marsh told us you have lovely nipples. Which other celebrities have seen them?

Sophie Howard’s seen them. I’m not shy on shoots, so anyone that’s taken a picture of me has seen my nipples!

When you do decide to unsheathe them in public, will you have a big unveiling ceremony?

I should, shouldn’t I? Marsh would have to do the actual unveiling, as she’s known how good they are for a long time. She can show the world!

Do you keep any naughty pictures on your phone?

Yes, I’ve got a few, but I’m careful with it. The trick is to never put your face on show. Then it could be anyone. Or a dirty download!

If you were a bloke, which girl would you have the hots for? And you can’t say Michelle Marsh!

Oh, OK. In that case, I’ll go for Cheryl Tweedy. She’s really cute looking, but she’s feisty too. Or Jessica Alba – she’s very cute.

Out of all the pretty ladies you know, who can drink the most?

Marshy can drink quite a lot, but there’s a girl from home who can outdrink any bloke with pints. It’s pretty scary. She’s only 5ft 2ins. Something’s not right there.

You a bit of a lightweight, then?

Absolutely. After three glasses of wine I’m well drunk. Six months ago I got really drunk on champagne at a party. The next day I felt like I was dying!

What’s the worst thing anyone’s said when chatting you up?

All chat-up lines are terrible. Some blokes pretend they don’t know what I do. So when they ask, I say I’m a secretary, and then they’ll say, ‘Oh, don’t you like telling people what you do, Lucy?’ What’s the point of that?

So how should men chat you up?

Just be friendly and chatty, and offer to buy a drink. With chat-up lines, it’s like, ‘OK, you’re fit, I want to sleep with you.’ It’s too obvious. Girls shouldn’t think you’re after a one-night stand.

Should men grow beards?

I’m not a beard girl myself. I like men clean shaven or with a bit of stubble. A ZZ Top beard is not a good look. The thought of seeing things stuck in there is horrible.

If you had to be covered in a type of food, what food would it be?

Something sticky and sweet. Savoury body paint just isn’t nice. Imagine being covered in sausage rolls! That’s not a sexy thought. Chocolate or honey are far sexier.

Which Simpsons character do you most resemble?

Probably Marge Simpson, because I’m a good little housewife. On a shoot the other day there was a shot from a funny angle, and my hair looked like Marge Simpson’s!

Maybe Michelle could dress up as Lisa for a joint photoshoot…

See more Lucy Pinder at Freeones (External Link)