CD:UK used to be a weekly procession of bad miming, non-heterosexual backing dancers and Lee Ryan’s weasely face – but now it’s the best show since TV was invented! Fact! Because it’s presented by Myleene Klass! The sexiest woman ever! 
A nice pork pie or an orgasm? Pork pie every time. That's all I can say on the subject 
We got her to take her clothes off and explain how our meetings with her on Saturday mornings technically aren’t dates. Myleene is the hottest thing on our telly! Including the miniature fondue kit on top of it!
How excited were you when you found out you got the CD:UK presenter's job?
Oh my God! I was off the Richter scale of excitedness! I’d just changed management, and the new ones wanted to know where I saw myself going. So I said it as a marker, because it’s about music and opinion. Three weeks later I had a screen test and I was in shock! I knew a lot of other people were going for it as well.
Like who?
I can’t say – it’ll bite me in the arse. I’ll leave that for you to figure out.
Do you feel you’re forever living in the shadow of those two little Geordie people and Cat?
They’ve done so well that they’re almost untouchable. I’ve acknowledged how amazing they are and just really admire them. The best thing about CD:UK is meeting musicians. I love finding out what makes them tick. I get to keep the clothes and get free food.
What’s your interview technique? Can you give us some tips?
Mine is just to gossip. I just like chatting – if I’ve read something about someone, I don’t mind asking them about it. My dad tells me I’ve got no internal monologue. I must learn to engage brain!
What would you ask yourself now, if you were us?
I’d ask myself how I’m still employed, seeing as there’s so much pop roadkill about. Do you know what? I’ve never been asked that before. It definitely beats being asked what kind of chocolate you like.
We’ll just cross out that ‘Curly Wurly or Boost?’ question. Do you miss going out on Friday nights?
Not really. I can’t bear staying up till four waiting in the rain. I like to stay at home with a chicken korma.
Is it true that 50 Pence tried it on with you when you interviewed him? Apparently he’s been shot.
He did grab my knee. It was quite funny; I wrapped up the interview very quickly. He was a gentleman up to that point, but we’ve watched the tape since slowed down – you just see the hand go under the tablecloth. He was quite articulate, actually – he surprised me. Goldie Lookin’ Chain did as well. I thought they’d be monosyllabic madmen, but they were on the money.
Do you still play the piano? Are you going to release any more music records of lovely sounds?
I play the piano every day! I’ve been approached to release a CD, actually, but I’m in no rush. It’s not like classical music goes out of fashion.
When you’ve been moving a new piano into your house, has it ever gone all slapstick with pulleys and lazy piano movers or anything?
Oh my God! My piano movers said that they’d only said no to two people in 40 years, and I was the second one. They were saying I’d have to phone the council, get the road closed off, hire a cherry picker… it was going to cost as much as the piano. Then three scrawny 15 year olds turned up at my door and said they’d move it. I went to bed thinking it wasn’t going to happen, but they did it! I’m really annoyed because to this day I still don’t know how they managed it.
Probably levitation or something. Do you think you’re nimble enough to play a floor piano like the one in that Tom Hanks movie, Big?
Oh God! I’d love to play on one of those! I went to New York looking for one, but they didn’t have it. That would be my Jim’ll Fix It moment.
Take That have reformed for a million pounds each. How much would it cost to lure you back to Hear’Say?
Well, Take That said I could be the next Lulu and be their fifth member. I don’t think there’s enough money to make me do a reunion; it’s quite presumptuous to think that people would want us to reunite. Plus I’m loving what I’m doing now, and just wish people from Hear’Say would stop getting pissed and texting me about a reunion.
How’s Shrek?
I couldn’t tell you! I speak to Suzie all the time, and Noel. I’m still great friends with them – I’m the godmother of Suzie’s child. What people forget with bands is that it’s like going to work: there are some people you stay in touch with and some you don’t.
You look and act like someone who would never ever swear. Do you swear at all? When you’re doing sex, say?
You’ve got to be joking. I live with a swearing Irishman!
Could you swear for us now?
Shite shite shite shite shite!
What are CD:UK’s rules on you talking about sex? Can you say ‘penis’ in this interview?
Well, I have to be aware of the audience I’m going out to. But I quite like innuendoes and plays on words. I had to talk about Carol Thatcher eating a kangaroo’s penis, and I think I ended up saying, ‘She ate an intimate part of Skippy.’ I prefer it when things aren’t blatant.
Where did you grow up?
Gorlestone in Norfolk (says ‘Norfolk’ in a broad Jamaican accent). I went back to the seafront the other week – it’s all changed.
Would you star in a celebrity reality show called Celebrity Screw You, where you work as a prison warden and other celebrities are prisoners?
That sounds promising. I’d like to talk about that one. I get offered reality shows all the time, the ones you’d expect, and it does test my resolve because the figures they offer are like telephone numbers.
Girls Aloud were really snobby about The X Factor, despite having been made on a reality show themselves. What did you make of that lot?
I love The X Factor. I think these shows do serve a purpose – just look at Will Young and Lemar. I think it works, but Simon Cowell’s getting very American. I think he’ll change his name to ‘Chad’ Cowell soon.
Do you check the ‘spotted’ section in Heat, so you know where you were and what you might have been doing?
It’s crazy how accurate those things are when they’re right; it’s a bit creepy! But when they’re wrong, they’re very wrong. I think I must have a doppelganger that does nothing but buy melons at Waterloo Station. That was genuinely written somewhere, and it was completely wrong!
Was it marrows you were buying?
(Laughs) yeah, and some apples.
You’ve had a few fans who’ve turned out to be complete mentals, haven’t you?
Yeah, I had a lot of weird things. Guys building shrines and asking me to sign weird things. Someone asked me to sign the inside of a coconut.
If Beethoven hadn’t have been deaf, do you think his tunes might have been a bit catchier?
I think the fact that he was deaf made him better.
Is he your favourite? He’s one of the main ones isn’t he?
My favourite’s Rachmaninoff, just because I want you to try and spell it! Him and Shostakovich!
We can all make up words. If you had a choice between a really nice pork pie and an orgasm, what would you choose and why?
Pork pie every time. I think that’s all I can say on that subject.
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