Are you one of the strange unfortunates who’ve yet to bask in the comic majesty of My Name Is Earl? If you’ve dared answer yes, then you should be ashamed, horrified even. In fact, go to your local greengrocers right now, buy a stick of old rhubarb and thrash yourself repeatedly round the face by way of an apology.

Right, penance over. The reason we’re so passionate about Earl, you see, is because not only is it one of the funniest, most original comedies on TV for years, it’s also introduced us to the incredible Nadine Velazquez. The provocative Puerto Rican plays Catalina,the maid-turned-stripper who spends most of her time bouncing around in tiny bikinis. And if that’s still not reason enough for you to dash psychotically to buy the boxset, the following pages may just change your mind…

My Name Is Earl is brilliant. It must be a right laugh to work on…

Yeah, I love it! It’s definitely a great show, and everyone gets along really well. You guys have caravan parks, right?

Er, kind of. Why?

I’m just wondering, because I hear My Name Is Earl is very popular over there, right?

Yeah, we think it’s hilarious.

What do you think is so hilarious about it?

Er, loads of reasons. The one-liners are priceless, the scenarios are brilliant and the concept is utter genius.

You don’t have sitcoms like that already?

Well, yeah, of course, but maybe not quite as way out. Hang on, aren’t we supposed to be interviewing you?

Ha ha, yeah. I think so.

OK then, what’s your favourite episode?

I did one recently with Alyssa Milano which was really funny – I don’t think you will have seen it yet. It’s a thing where I’m exploring being a lesbian. You meet my ex-boyfriend and the character is really funny; the way the actor plays him is really ridiculous. The guy is hardly your Brad Pitt type, so it’s really funny to be in love with him. I talk about why he never came to get me in America – and for that reason, I’m into women now.

Yowzers. How similar are you to Catalina?

I wake up with stripper boots on and sometimes I wear stripper outfits to the grocery store!

Do you go to strip clubs to research the role?

No, I’ve never been to one strip club in my whole life. I’ve always wanted to but I never actually get around to it. The people I hang out with never go. And I’m definitely not going to walk in there alone!

What’s your opinion on them – titillating social arenas, or a pointless waste of £20?

If I was a guy, I’d probably be very frustrated – especially with the strippers being so close and live. I’d just buy a magazine instead.

So do you make a habit of buying those kind of magazines?

Ha ha, no. I’ve never seriously bought one, but they’ve ended up in my house somehow…

In the show, your character bounces around in a bra on stage. Do people come up to you in the street and ask you to ‘bounce’?

No, but I bet if I visited Britain, I would get more people asking me!

Surely you can’t be suggesting we’re a bunch of boob-obsessed perverts?

No, I’m just saying that based on the number of fans that I have, they tend to come from your country! And they seem to know everything about Catalina, including the fact that she ‘bounces’. But I really appreciate that – it’s a compliment.

Do you wear sports bras just in case…

Ha ha, no!

You’ve worn both maid and stripper outfits in My Name Is Earl. Which is the sexiest bedroom outfit?

I actually think a uniform is the sexiest in the bedroom. The Catholic schoolgirl!

Have you ever worn this outfit?

No, just my birthday suit!

Earl [Jason Lee] is known for his brilliant lip hair. Do you go for moustaches?

I have a moustache. It’s a big as Earl’s!

Wow, you disguise it very well. Do you have some super-strength dye?

No, I just shave it every day!

Is facial hair on men a good thing?

I’ve gone through stages where I like it, and stages where I don’t like it. And now I’m at the stage where I don’t like it. It needs to be well done. It can’t be too thin because then you look like a French painter. But it can’t be too thick because it hurts and it’s prickly. And it looks messy. My father sports a very big moustache. There’s not a day that goes by without him trimming it or fixing it or brushing it. He has a little moustache brush and he combs it. It’s really gross.

OK, Earl’s out. Is there any hope for the real-life Randys out there?

None at all.

Is that because he’s slow or because he’s a bit fat?

I would say both. But that’s Randy. In real life [actor] Ethan Suplee is very attractive. I love his personality. He makes me laugh, and I think his face is very good looking, and that surprised me. It didn’t happen suddenly, it happened over time. I can see how women would fall in love with him. But with Randy, no way.

What’s so funny about Randy?

All his choices are very funny, from the way he looks and sniffs at things. If he’s investigating something, he’s always sniffing it. Even his fear of animals and birds cracks me up. It takes a really smart actor to play a dumb person, but Ethan can do it really well.

My Name Is Earl has sparked the classic debate in British pubs – who’s hotter? You or Jamie Pressley? Your thoughts please…

I think we’re both very hot! Just in different ways. One is milky white and one is tanned. It’s like comparing two flowers – neither one is more beautiful than the other.

Nicely put. You’ve got two sisters – are they as hot as you?

Yeah. I think that I am the ugliest! I think my body is the best, but I don’t think my face is the best.

If you were asked to star in Basic Instinct 3, would you do it?

Definitely.

You wouldn’t have a problem with the nudity?

Nope!

What would be your ideal film role?

Basic Instinct 3! Once I was asked to play a police officer in a movie that was set in Pornland, so I would’ve been a sexy porn-type cop. I turned it down, sadly. I’d like to do an action film. Not some sexy sidekick either, I’d be the real deal with the big machine gun.

On your official website you describe yourself as a clown? Can you juggle?

No. I tried but I didn’t have the patience.

When did you last go to the circus?

Probably when I was about nine but I never liked them. My mum used to collect clowns.

What? She used to kidnap them and store them in the closet?

No! Porcelain and ceramic clowns. And she had a mini-size clown on the door of her bedroom. When I was little, to get to the bathroom I would have to go through the door with the clown on. I used to close my eyes and run. I used to be terrified.

That’s freaky! What circus-based thing would you be best at?

I would be the bearded lady.

You’ll have to work on that Earl ‘tache you said you had then…