NO

Mark Pickering prizes his penis too much

Never ever tell your girlfriend to slim. Never. Even if she pins you down – not difficult for a fat lass – holds an electric drill to your face and asks you to be honest about her weight, under no circumstances tell her she should diet. She knows she’s got fatter – she’s the one who’s spent all weekend trying to squeeze into that XXL blouse at Big Momma’s boutique. She doesn’t need to hear it from you.

While no one craves an ever-expanding girlfriend, there’s very little you can do, besides hiding her food or performing emergency liposuction. There’s simply no good way of telling her. Say she’s got a bit ‘curvy’ and she might seem to agree, and in some cases, even concede that she should go to the gym more. But do not be fooled. As you lie sleeping that very night, she’ll creep up on you, pull back the covers, and slice your testicles from their once-active sacs.
Your sex life will be over.

I know this because my friend fell foolishly into the trap. OK, he still has both gonads in tact – but only just. When his girlfriend was complaining about how difficult it was to find jeans that looked good on her, he flipped, saying, ‘Well, if you used the exercise bike for exercise instead of using it for clothes storage then maybe you’d have more luck!’ The outcome? He had to spend that night sleeping in the bath (it was a studio flat) and didn’t have sex with her again for two months.

So gents, unless you want to be dumped or dismembered, keep schtum. It’s up to her if she wants to lose the pounds, and if she doesn’t, there is a bright side, she’ll probably get bigger boobs. And if that’s not a blessing in disguise, what is?

YES

Jason Timson says ditch the flab, or find yourself ditched

A hefty tug of the waistband, a slow twist of the neck, a deep frown and then finally the words spill from her lips. Those seven little words that every man dreads: ‘Does my bum look big in this?’

For a quiet night in, the majority of us automatically respond, ‘Don’t be silly, you look fine honey!’ And instantly, the frown turns to a believing smile, she slaps herself on the arse and starts humming the chorus of the Pussycat Dolls tune. Not me. ‘Does my bum look big in this?’ ‘Yes, yes, it does, it would look fat in anything you try on and even worse if you took it off! Now put down that bacon sandwich and dim the feckin’ lights!’

OK, this may seem a tad harsh at first but if you love her and want to be with her, she needs honesty. For instance, if you went to a car showroom and picked out your favourite model, you’d drive it around, showing it off to all your friends and family. You’d treat the car well and spend hard-earned money on it because you care for it and are proud to be seen with it. But then suddenly – Blam! – the back end goes, there are rust patches everywhere and a clanking sound as it moves. What’s the first thing you’d think? ‘Oh, it looks fine?’ No! You’d think, ‘Shit, I need a trade-in and I’m not going to be seen with this old banger until it’s sorted.’ It’s the same with women.

I also find that attack is the best form of defence. Even if your missus is in prime physical condition, it doesn’t hurt to occasionally shout, ‘Hey tubby, pass me the TV remote!’ This prevents complacency. And that chocolate mousse she has been saving in the fridge instantly becomes yours. Bonus!