Why do we still have April Fool’s? Are we so bored as a nation we have to amuse ourselves by lying to each other? It makes us want to kill. Not really! April fools!

Watch the BBC's flying penguins here

It’s World Rat Day! What better way to celebrate their existence than by going round your local park and collecting a load on the end of a spike?

What is World Rat Day?

At 9am this Sunday Glasto tickets go on sale. Get to an office (home broadband’s too slow), set up the ticket page on seven PCs and refresh like a mother-refresher!

Buy Tickets Here!

Manchester band Elbow (above) are in Oxford as they tour their brilliant new album, The Seldom Seen Kid. Like a real elbow, they are the opposite of arse.

See Tour Dates & Ticket Info

It’s the US Masters. Cue the finest sports commentary outside darts, as Peter Alliss says stuff like, ‘For 50 years I’ve been peeling bananas from the wrong end.’

Full Schedule and Live Scores Here! 

City Of Men – sequel to ace Brazilian flick City Of God – hits cinemas. Kids settle playground disputes with automatic fire, and not an ASBO in sight.

See Trailer 

Day of the London Marathon, when the capital’s streets host berky fun runners, reality-TV divs and a tiny pool of Paula Radcliffe’s warm, Lucozadey piss.

Click Here For Race Info & Training Advice

The county cricket season starts today.Go to your local club for all-day drinking games. A boundary: two fingers. Wicket: down a pint. Googly: call an ambulance.

Fixture List 

The World Snooker Championship kicks off. But it’s not the snooker we’re into, it’s sexy ref Michaela Tabb. We’d love to rest her gently against the cushion.

See More Of Michaela Here!

St George’s Day! It’s not a bank holiday, but should be. So skive off work and honour the patron in true English style. By watching telly and eating some toast.

Join the Campaign to Recognise St. George's Day as a Bank Holiday

The Spanish Grand Prix is on today. It will involve cars, crashes and Lewis Hamilton looking like a small boy who’s just been given his first drink.

Click Here for Circuit Overview, Schedule & Tickets 

First date in a UK tour by Buzzcock Neverminder Simon Amstell, the man whose fearsome wit redefines ‘cheeky’. (Now it means ‘just fucking insulting’.)

Tickets for Other Venues Available Here