‘BEN STRUGGLES TO BE A MAN’

Ben: Hello Marek, we’re friends, right? Good buddies who know each other well enough to, you know, share things, without the other person laughing at them and thinking they’re a bit funny.
Marek: Ssshh Ben, you don’t have to say anything. Just take your trousers off and we can get down to it. We won’t even have to look at each other’s faces. It’ll be like a secret dream.
Ben: No, it’s not that Marek. I’ve been watching you talking to blokes and stuff and you seem to be able to have a great time, laughing, doing sport and what not. But whenever I try and talk to men they look at me like I’ve just mishandled a child.
Marek: Yes it’s difficult Ben. Once upon a time being a man was as simple as having a dick, balls and a pint of beer. These days it’s a whole different kettle of water.
Ben: Tell me about it. Whenever I talk, stuff about handbags and Strictly Come Dancing comes out.
Marek: Hmm interesting. Sounds to me like you’re not eating enough meat.
Ben: It can’t be as simple as that, can it?
Marek: Yeah, pretty much. Meat is made out of 90 per cent sport. Before long you’ll find sport coming out of your mouth really fast, almost like sick. Then men will start to respect and trust you. But you have to make sure you eat meat at least five times a day, otherwise, well, you might as well stick your wang in a blender.
Ben: Great. I’ll get straight down the butchers.
Marek: Woah, hold your horses there, rein those stallions in. You need to make sure you don’t overdose, otherwise you could end up… a lesbian.
Ben: A lesbian? But that’s good isn’t it. Men love lesbians.
Marek: No, not like an internet lesbian. That’s not real life Ben. Lesbians are like men but you replace all the sport with violence and check patterned shirts.
Ben: Are you sure about this Marek?
Marek: Positive, me and my mate Gav saw one up close, and he died.
Ben: Fuck my arse!
Marek: Serious. You need to make sure you personally kill all your own meat. That’s the only way to be sure there’s no lesbochemicals in it. My mate told me, and he used to sit on the desk behind Jamie Oliver at school.
Ben: Wow. Nuff respect. Is there anything else I could do?
Marek: Well the only other thing that I can suggest is Laura, Ben And Him, it’s a new sketch show on ITV2, and although it contains none of the themes of this conversation and bears no relation to it whatsoever I still think it would really help.
Ben: But I’ve already seen it. I’m in it.
Marek: Shut up. I was just trying to squeeze in a plug you spasmograph. That’s the whole point of this shitting conversation.

Ben and Marek write and star in Laura, Ben and Him, Tuesdays on ITV2