Armstrong And Miller Get Lippy Ben Miller and Xander Armstrong answer your questions! After three brilliantly weird and funny series of their sketch show on Channel 4, Ben and Xander are heading to BBC1 this month with a new series of The Armstrong And Miller Show. Prepare yourselves for nudity, surrealism and, apparently, some shit-eating goats…
Who’s the most famous girl you’ve ever been out with?
Brieg, Cardiff
Ben: I’ve gone out with Rachel Weisz.
Xander: He was with her for about five years!
B: During and after university, yeah.
X: I kissed Gail Porter once.
B: I snogged Arab ella Weir off The Fast Show!
What’s the shittest thing on telly?
Nick, Dagenham
B: Big Brother is just shit – I’m so fucking sick of it. I’m a bit like a reformed whore – it had me for ages and this year it’s left me cold. It’s a bit like looking back on a relationship and not being able to work out what you saw in that other person. I don’t want to see another cooped-up nutter!
X: I hate You Are What You Eat or shows where someone has their fat sucked out. The first time you see someone’s yellow fat, mixed with blood, being sucked out of their shaking tummy is fine – but now Dr Gillian McKeith is doing it with people’s shit! I wouldn’t even like to see a pretty person’s fat, let along what comes out of the arse of some gut-bucket… that’s vile!
Xander, are you sick of people shouting ‘It’s Pimms O’clock!’ at you yet?
Captain Pimms, Saddleworth
X: Not yet – I’ll start to worry when they stop shouting it.
B: Because then it’ll be ‘Overdraft O’clock!’.
What’s the stupidest sketch you’ve ever written? Did it make it onto the telly?
Aaron, Huddersfield
B: We had a really silly one about Madonna and Guy Ritchie running an emergency breakdown service in Wales – that didn’t make it in. It got a blank reaction when we pitched it, but we thought it was hilarious!
Ben, is it true you’re a trained nuclear physicist? Could you blow us all up?
Josh, Kent
B: I’ve actually got a PhD in the area of quantum physics, which is the physics of small things. And yes, I could blow us all up – but that’s nothing to do with the physics!
Do you ever get into a fight with each other about what’s funny? Or anything else, even?
Sammy B, Stoke
X: We’ve had, er… ‘spirited discussions’, normally about how best to get the funny across. We’ve got similar taste, though, so there’s normally an answer.
B: We’ve definitely argued, but we can normally sweep it under the carpet.
X: Yeah. The carpet’s quite lumpy now…
Ben, aren’t you the voice of Johnny Vegas’s Monkey? What’s it like working with a bloke who’s constantly pissed?
Orson, Southend
B: Yes, I am the voice. I can’t tell if Johnny’s really pissed or not – it worries me to think that he’s actually just like that! I think his general persona is just that of a drunk man.
X: It’s like when we met Shane McGowan on a chat show and he seemed really drunk. Then he picked us up on something we’d said ages ago. I thought, ‘You’re not fucking pissed!’ But then again, he had just come from his dressing room with a nosebleed…
B: They’d just resuscitated him!
Is there any one word that cracks you up?
Will, Shepton Mallet
B: I always think ‘lady’ is really funny.
X: And ‘special lady’. She’s my ‘special lady’!
B: Men who call women ‘ladies’ are hilarious. ‘I like the ladies…’ It sounds so creepy!
X: ‘She’s a smashing lady’! Ha ha ha!
You did a spoof of Sunset Beach with porn stars. What’s your favourite porno?
Rob, Winslow
B: The thing that made us laugh about Sunset Beach was that it was just like watching porn, but without the shagging.
X: I don’t really have a favourite porno.
B: The fashionable answer would be to say something culty like Deep Throat, but if you go and watch those old pornos, they’re really disappointing. You see more now in 30 seconds on the internet than most men used to see in their entire lives!
X: It makes me feel like Kurtz in Apocalypse Now – that I’ve seen things no man should ever see. Oh, the horror!
In the first series of Armstrong And Miller, Sarah Alexander got naked a lot. Please tell me she appears in the new series.
Steve, Whitby
X: She’s not in it, but there are some very fit birds. You know, I never, ever looked at Sarah when she was in the buff. I once saw the shadow of her firm, slightly upward-pointing bosom, and I’d like to tell her husband, Pete, that I averted my eyes.
B: We’ve got some honeys in the new series – Lucy Montgomery, Katherine Jakeways and Karen Hayley – that’s our stable!
What’s the shittest job you’ve ever done?
James, Lincolnw
X: I used to work in a restaurant where there were a lot of sailing types – they all used to empty the used loo roll from their boats into the bins in the restaurant toilet. There was a goat tethered near the door, so I used to have to try and stop it eating all the used bog roll.
B: One year I did potato picking – normally a machine pulls them out and you pick them up, but with this one you had to scrabble in the soil, yanking them out. It felt like a medieval job, literally backbreaking.
X: And if you stood up to stretch, someone came along and yelled, ‘Oiii! Baaack to worrrk!’
B: I got my own back – I ate quite a few potatoes!
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